Clare Davidson

Writing without compromise

To my mum: an apology

I was a horrible kid. We fought all the time. I remember standing in the garden and screaming at the top of my lungs how much I hated you.

As an adult, I can look back and see how wrong my actions were and how I had no right to lash out at you, or get angry at you when things weren't going right in my life. It wasn't your fault. You would have moved heaven and earth for me, if I'd asked you to. But I didn't ask. I got angry. I shouted. I screamed. I slammed doors. I ran away (if you class getting an hour away and then using a phone box to do a reverse charges call to ask to be picked up again "running away").

The problem is, no matter how awful I feel now for the things I did then, I can't change what I did. I can't take any of it back or undo the hurt I did. I can't change how you felt then. I can't stop you from being upset, or for crying. It's in the past. All I can do is apologise.

As an adult, I became more than your daughter. I became your friend. We're closer now than ever and I'm so very glad of that, because I have no idea what I'd do without you in my life.

Especially now I have a daughter of my own. A headstrong, emotional, stubborn girl. Just like I was and, I'm pretty sure, just like you were.

Please accept these words as the heartfelt apology they are meant as: I'm sorry.

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